Local Man Discovers How To Be Holier Than Jesus

Independent Christian, Gill Bothard emerges from three-month-long private Bible study with new Holy-Spirit empowered insights into how to achieve holiness. “Not only do I know more about holiness than everyone I know and two thousand years’ worth of Christians gone before me, I have learned secrets to holiness that even Jesus didn’t know.” Gill published in his newsletter.

When asked by one of his email subscribers how he discovered all the additional rules, Gill answered: “It’s all in how you take scripture verses out of context to back up your points and redefine key words–under the guidance of the Holy Spirit of course. Suddenly, you find all kinds of commands and regulations that weren’t there before. But this is about so much more than just the new standard of holiness that will allow adherents to look down their noses at a larger number of people. No, my end-goal is bigger than that. I have a vision to teach people how to reinterpret the Bible for themselves and thus, to always remain superior to other Christians who don’t possess the level of spiritual discernment they have achieved.”

Gill Bothard plans to publish his new standard for godliness and methods for interpreting the Bible in a comprehensive curriculum niche-marketed to homeschoolers. Gill anticipates launching an extensive conference ministry to inspire thousands of young people and their parents with his testimony (and convince them to buy his exclusive resources.) “They’ll eat it up.” Gill says. “Christians everywhere are always looking for a superficially spiritual, ego-boosting, self-help alternative to submitting to the authority and teaching of their local church. So I think my new curriculum will be a great success.”

{ Back when one of my favorite websites, The Babylon Bee launched, I got inspired and wrote a series of satirical articles that I submitted in the hopes of getting them published on the site. This is one of them. None of them were accepted so I thought I’d share them on my own site instead. }

One thought on “Local Man Discovers How To Be Holier Than Jesus

  1. Pingback: 2017 In Review | Living In Heaven's Shadow

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