The Christian Side Hug™ No Longer Deemed Holy Enough

The Christian Side Hug™ was first patented to prevent uncleaness among Christian youth. In many ways it was effective. Avoiding the inevitable chest bump of front hugs almost made its users forget the physical distinctions God created between men and women which is the root of all lust. It gave users the appearance of being friendly and loving towards members of the opposite sex without the potentially misunderstood comfort of a front hug.

For thousands of years people have mistakenly thought that the front hug was an appropriate way to show brotherly love for another human being, to calm and reassure them in times of grief and fear, and to express joy in the other’s existence in a way that words fall short of communicating fully.

But on closer examination by the newest generation of Christians (a generation which has exceeded the holiness of all previous generations combined) it was concluded that the communication of such things ran too high a risk of being misunderstood and was best avoided.

Instead of teaching young people to do the hard work of rooting out the selfishness in their own hearts that causes them to love others only for what they can get out of them, it would be far better for young people to not experience expressions of love of any kind and be raised to believe that men and women are primarily objects for sexual fulfillment.

The Christian Side Hug™ has served our generation well but for some it is still lacking. Some question the need for physical contact at all. The trademarks for The Christian Wave and The Christian Air Hug are currently pending and are expected to soon replace The Christian Side Hug™ in popularity.

{ Back when one of my favorite websites, The Babylon Bee launched, I got inspired and wrote a series of satirical articles that I submitted in the hopes of getting them published on the site. This is one of them. None of them were accepted so I thought I’d share them on my own site instead. }

One thought on “The Christian Side Hug™ No Longer Deemed Holy Enough

  1. Pingback: 2017 In Review | Living In Heaven's Shadow

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